Traktor Won't Open! (in troubleshooting hell)

Ok so I feel like I've tried everything, which is why I'm bothering djranking s with this - but I really am in troubleshooting hell.

Just bought a new denon dj mc3000 controller. All excited to get spinning, install the driver, plug it in... Traktor refuses to open. Here is the comprehensive list of things I've tried since:

Uninstalled/reinstalled traktor many times. Even searched out every file I could find to make sure I was utterly clean of all traktor files. Lost all my cues, etc. No dice.

Uninstalled denon driver. Nope.

System restored via windows to the point before all of this went down. No.

Plugged in my old controller, vestax spin. No.

Tried opening traktor with utterly nothing plugged in. No.

Even tried wiping traktor completely off of my PC and downloading the free demo to see if that would work. Same deal - the program just won't open.

Some specifics:

Acer laptop, windows 7. Traktor has worked just fine with it for the past six months.

Version 2.6.2 of traktor.

When I try to open the program, no matter how, I get the little 'windows is doing stuff' wheel for about five seconds, and traktor doesn't open. Check task manager, not open in programs, IS showing up in processes.

I've had it open twice in the past 30 hours by letting it go for up to an hour. Freezes as soon as I try to look into preferences, or plug in any hardware.

Needless to say, I'm at a loss, any help would be appreciated.

Also might matter - no internet connection at place currently. Had it almost working at a cafe.

Even the most complicated programs besides traktor open and run just fine, btw. Really lost.